Being Here

Even though I am leaving for Oregon in 48 hours, and had my last day of full-time work 24 hours ago, I’m working hard on being in the moment today. When I was vacuuming, I was vacuuming. Eating, eating. When I walked out on the piers, I closed my eyes and breathed in the water in the air and relished the river waves lapping up under the docks. When I look out my window, I’m taking in the view. The skyline. I will never cease to be impressed by it.

ichat

mmm
i miss yoga
I haven’t been practicing
I’ve been othering
and I miss it, and the centering it provides
I’m caught up in the whirlwind right now
like, when I look at design books or blogs and get baby bratty like: I want that! I want that!
that couch, that bedspread, that art, that life, that peace
that community, etc
all the grasping
is kind of gross
but, that seems to be where I am

Priorities

When you let go of the tried and true, a million opportunities open up before you. Lately, I’ve been finding it difficult to stay on track, to stay focused on my intentions. Instead I get swept up in the myriad fantasies (and fears) that are all seemingly possible.

Be open to possibility is not always a measured thing. If I am open, I can sometimes feel lost. Tossing and turning in the current without choosing anything. And yet, imposing too much structure feels anti-thetical to “the plan.”

A good friend helped me this morning as I spouted off a million and one things on my to-do list and on L’s to-do list. She helped me focus, and remember my priorities – to remember why I am taking this time off to begin with.

What I learned from our conversation this morning is that while I do want to stay open to freelance copy writing opportunities, I’m not interested in building myself up as a mini ad agency. That part of my work, for now, is a creative outlet and a means to another end. That being, of course, my yoga practice and the opportunities surrounding teaching.

At this point, I’m getting sick of hearing myself talk about intentions, and I do desperately want to DO, DO, DO. However, L and I built a long vacation into this plan – nearly a month in the Pacific Northwest. It is up to me to learn how to let go of action for this period of time and relax, or to find a way to move forward even while I am across the country.

Is anyone familiar with the Portland area? Have any studios to recommend? Let me know.

It’s Fear. It’s Fear. It’s Fear.

As I get closer and closer to putting “the plan” into action in real-life, I can feel the excitement and the fear building.

Everything is unfolding as if it is all meant to be – as if this change was predestined and I’m walking down a trail blazed by intention. The work I am doing at my full-time job is coming to an unexpected, but completely natural, end. And I’ve been talking to some co-workers about partnering up to do some freelance work. It really does seem to be coming together.

And, still, the fears come up. Fears about money, mostly. And about “success” as a yoga teacher, and what that might even look like to me. Fears about the choices I’m making, comparing myself to other people, rewriting my story.

The anxiety is manifesting in some usual and some unusual ways. I feel a little disconnected from my choices. Panic bubbles up now and again. And after grabbing drinks with friends last night, I waltzed into an open bar and had a couple drinks alone. At that moment, I just wanted to be drunk. It needed to happen, it happened, I went home. Odd choice, but it seemed appropriate at the time.

My listmaking is in full effect, because I can’t shake the feeling that I’m forgetting something important. Something big, like, health insurance or dog food.

Again it’s time to lean on my practice. And this is what I’m looking forward to the most. Dedicating time to exploring my practice in new ways, at new studios, in new disciplines. To immerse myself, as much as I can, in that world within the world.

It’s the dream of that deliciousness that saves me from going frantic. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that yoga will get me through this change. Practice will help clear my mind, and recognize my priorities. The practice itself will guide me.

By the Sea

On a hungover morning a walk down by the piers on the East River I stopped to smell the flowers. One giant blossom caught my eye – a bloom bigger than my open palm surrounded by a cluster of just-about-to-burst buds weighed down heavy by the rain. Such arresting everyday beauty inspired a deep, deep morning breath.

I almost wish I could have captured that moment, bottled it and saved it for later. I think I’ll need it then too.

Dog Walk

We set off a daisy chain of dogs barking as we walk up the hill, across, past the Dairy Barn and back. Looking into suburban windows, front porch smokers silhouetted by the big silver paper moon. We walk in and out of tree shadows. My flip flops flapping, her four paws clicking against the concrete over the sound of roaring crickets and buzzing cicadas. The big dipper looms and that, if you turn around and look, is a great moon.