As I get closer and closer to putting “the plan” into action in real-life, I can feel the excitement and the fear building.
Everything is unfolding as if it is all meant to be – as if this change was predestined and I’m walking down a trail blazed by intention. The work I am doing at my full-time job is coming to an unexpected, but completely natural, end. And I’ve been talking to some co-workers about partnering up to do some freelance work. It really does seem to be coming together.
And, still, the fears come up. Fears about money, mostly. And about “success” as a yoga teacher, and what that might even look like to me. Fears about the choices I’m making, comparing myself to other people, rewriting my story.
The anxiety is manifesting in some usual and some unusual ways. I feel a little disconnected from my choices. Panic bubbles up now and again. And after grabbing drinks with friends last night, I waltzed into an open bar and had a couple drinks alone. At that moment, I just wanted to be drunk. It needed to happen, it happened, I went home. Odd choice, but it seemed appropriate at the time.
My listmaking is in full effect, because I can’t shake the feeling that I’m forgetting something important. Something big, like, health insurance or dog food.
Again it’s time to lean on my practice. And this is what I’m looking forward to the most. Dedicating time to exploring my practice in new ways, at new studios, in new disciplines. To immerse myself, as much as I can, in that world within the world.
It’s the dream of that deliciousness that saves me from going frantic. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that yoga will get me through this change. Practice will help clear my mind, and recognize my priorities. The practice itself will guide me.