Month: February 2009

Vishudda Voice

I often use classes from Yoga Download when I practice at home. In the mood for something a little different, I began a class entitled “Sun Salutations.” Lovely.

But when it began, I realized this was a Baron Baptiste Power Vinyasa flow led by David Farmar. I haven’t exactly been practicing a power flow lately. So I was nervous about it. And I remembered my last year or so in Boston, I went to hot Baptiste classes every week, a couple of times a week. And I absolutely loved it. I fell in love with yoga all over again through that hot, sweaty movement. But what I forgot about it, and one of the things I really loved about it, was the humor and attitude of the teachers.

So calm, so funny. Really pointing out the moments when you can hold or push just a little bit harder. There’s definitely an edge to the Baptiste voice. It’s not a Kripalu voice – which is often focused on nurturing and “if you feel like it, come into this pose” and sometimes can feel a little bit like coddling. The Baptiste tone is a little nudgey – a little pointed. I don’t know how exactly to describe it, but there’s a little more tough love in the attitude.

I’m not saying that one is better or worse than the other. I have enjoyed both, and sometimes, I need to be guided in different ways by different teachers depending on where I am in my practice.

Today, I absolutely enjoyed this class. I took a couple of child-pose-breaks in the physical practice, but the energy I feel now is out of this world.

This is the first time I think I’ve really realized how different schools of yoga can influence your practice. Not just on an alignment, prana-focus level, but on a deeper level of communication. I always knew that yoga had many different styles and incarnations, but it’s interesting, now, to see and to notice how intentional these style choices can be. And, as an aspiring teacher, to watch how a turn of phrase or tone of voice can change the mood of an entire practice.

This month in our training, we are focusing on finding our true voice. And, I know yoga asana is the preparation for meditation, but this class has got me thinking a lot about the impact your true voice can make and the kind of yoga teacher I want to be.

When It Rains

This weekend yoga teacher training was intense. Our first teaching practical brought up a lot of emotions for people. And our focus on the 4th and 5th chakras, our heart and our creative expression, brought even more people to the edge.

It was wonderful to be in a safe place as these issues come up, again and again. But I find myself so drained after these weekends that I just float around, disconnected for the next week or so.

I feel like I’ve been struggling with balance in my life for quite a while. I almost feel that my first, real grown-up decision came to me as I debated whether to follow a mainstream career path or dive into a more healing art full time. And the thought I had then was, “I don’t have to choose.”

And I believed it fully and completely, then. What a relief it was, too. I don’t have to decide! I can have both. I intended, from then on, to do just that. Meaning, do everything.

Right now, I feel as though I have too many masters to serve, and I’m serving none of them well.

I look at what I say are my priorities – love, family, friends, health – and I realize I’m not making choices to support these things.

And I’m exhausted. So it comes around again – this question of choosing.

Is there such a thing as a simple life? I look at my m&m co-hort in Chi, and my romantic version of living from the heart dissapates. It’s clear that it’s incredibly difficult to survive and flourish financially and soulfully at the same time.

A friend gave me some advice recently: Live what you love.

Live what you love and everything else will come. I want desperately to believe this is true. I want not to be afraid, or cynical. I want to live what I love. Not just from 9 to 5, but daily on the mat and off. Now, can someone tell me just how the hell I’m supposed to do that?

filing jointly


We had our meeting the other day with the accountant for 2008 taxes. I was thinking on the trip there what a couples counseling / psych job this guy must have. My partner and I were already sparring that morning heading out. I started to ball myself and cinch in to protect myself from the utter disappointment of looking at my total years salary and confronting the amount of money I would owe and not have.

The meeting went amazingly well. Our accountant worked his magic – speaking about himself, surname only, in the third person and referring to Uncle Sam often – “Moles says you pay this but Uncle Sam says you pay this and then whadya do?” He figured out low payments for both of us and we left pleased.

I received a session the other day. My money issues came up again. Issues is not even the right choice of wording. It’s a wire corset that I wear, entwined on me, shackled into this belief system that so entangles I can’t see my way out of the braces. There were no resolutions in my session. I was frustrated. I am crawling. I was saying unkind things. I was letting go of ideas and principles. I don’t respect rich people. I think people who save money are afraid of death. I am not good at hanging onto money. I live close to the cloth. I don’t consume a lot but I also can’t have a lot of money around. Paradoxes, unconnected thoughts. Fragments. Spew. A bile of ideas on money and my worth, as an earner was comin from me. I couldn’t make sense of it and I can make sense of everything. I have serious complexities about wealth and worth and consuming. Did I become a non-consumer b.c. my family consumes food and drink and things so well? Am I a non-consumer simply b.c. I am afraid of my lack of self-control about food and drink and things? Do I want to keep up with the Joneses? Do I envy? Am I afraid of the clamor I have for nice things? I like a full pantry. A heavy meal makes a hearty home.

At integration, I sat up from my forward fold. I sobbed. I had a glimpse, an image of my partner and I standing in our healthy, happy home. He standing tall as provider; me standing beside him as equal provider. I cried b.c. I almost believe this. I believe it in session with deep breaths and peace around me. I believe we both bring so much to a mutual love. I wanted to appreciate him for his monetary providing and hard work. I wanted to appreciate me for the love and cleanliness and comfort I gather to our home. In that moment, I could forget my strife of low-earner, career derailed misfit of emotional strife.

m&mchi