When It Rains

This weekend yoga teacher training was intense. Our first teaching practical brought up a lot of emotions for people. And our focus on the 4th and 5th chakras, our heart and our creative expression, brought even more people to the edge.

It was wonderful to be in a safe place as these issues come up, again and again. But I find myself so drained after these weekends that I just float around, disconnected for the next week or so.

I feel like I’ve been struggling with balance in my life for quite a while. I almost feel that my first, real grown-up decision came to me as I debated whether to follow a mainstream career path or dive into a more healing art full time. And the thought I had then was, “I don’t have to choose.”

And I believed it fully and completely, then. What a relief it was, too. I don’t have to decide! I can have both. I intended, from then on, to do just that. Meaning, do everything.

Right now, I feel as though I have too many masters to serve, and I’m serving none of them well.

I look at what I say are my priorities – love, family, friends, health – and I realize I’m not making choices to support these things.

And I’m exhausted. So it comes around again – this question of choosing.

Is there such a thing as a simple life? I look at my m&m co-hort in Chi, and my romantic version of living from the heart dissapates. It’s clear that it’s incredibly difficult to survive and flourish financially and soulfully at the same time.

A friend gave me some advice recently: Live what you love.

Live what you love and everything else will come. I want desperately to believe this is true. I want not to be afraid, or cynical. I want to live what I love. Not just from 9 to 5, but daily on the mat and off. Now, can someone tell me just how the hell I’m supposed to do that?

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2 thoughts on “When It Rains

  1. You do have to let some things go.It’s hard. I’m so much closer than I was five years ago, but I’m still a long way away. I’m old enough to know now for certain that I’m never going to be all the way there, never be completely unafraid or completely uncynical. Which makes it easier, in most ways. The burden of needing to construct your life, and being afraid of wasting it, is so much heavier when you’re young. When you get to my age and know that it’s never going to be much more finished before you die, and that you’ve already wasted most of it, it gets a lot easier to deal with. For me, anyway 🙂

  2. Hmm. Interesting point, Dale. I feel like the times when I get the most lost, though, are the times when I’m just riding life – not constructing. I feel like I need to learn to be unattached and constructing? Something like that? I’m no closer than I was a week ago. I just keep getting up everyday and living life.

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