Reaching

UPDATE: Or I had a 24 hour virus. I came home from work and slept for about 15 hours. The cleanse is still on, but I am feeling slightly less desperate than I was yesterday.

I’m reaching now, stretching the bounds of being reasonable, searching for a reason my body feels this way. As I mentioned in a comment string earlier, I fell off the health food wagon hard this weekend. I was ok through the chips and dip, insisted on hummus instead of cheese with my crackers. But soon enough I dove in. Bread and butter. Zucchini with gorgonzola cheese on top. Even thinking about it, I feel nauseated.

I know I have some other issues at work here – comfort eating, unconscious eating – but I have never felt so physically awful as a result. And I’m searching for a reason. Is it simply the amount of food, the dairy, the gluten? I’m online looking and looking for help.

My dad has had stomach problems for most of his adult life. After a big night out, we’d tease him about looking three-months pregnant. But our jokes ignored his suffering. Eventually, after being diagnosed with Chrones/Colitis, he went on a strict (and restrictive) diet. Cutting out all processed foods, he recovered almost completely. And now he is mostly well. But every now and then, food becomes an enemy once again.

When I talked to him this morning, it was almost with tears in my eyes. I felt so awful, and I needed help. He promised me he would. We’d start making better dinners. Be more focused on putting the right fuel in our bodies. Support one another when that midnight snack looks so appealing.

I’m not sure what it is that is triggering this feeling of dis-ease in me. Some combination of stress, poor eating habits, and maybe a little bit of hypochondria (good to know that, too, runs in the family). But today, I read this from Shauna James Ahern, the Gluten-Free Girl, and nearly started crying. Whether or not gluten is the culprit for me, I don’t know, but her words struck a deep chord.

She describes going off gluten in this way:

Gone is the exhaustion, the nausea, the brain fog, the heartburn, the skin flares, the sore throats, the stuffed nose, the bone-tiredness, the lassitude, the easy bruising, and the confusion of feeling that I would never be well again.

Shauna, as she describes on her blog, had been dealing with the effects of Celiac for years. And I’ve had the gift of being mostly healthy my whole life. A fact I’m even more grateful for now, feeling how I feel in this moment.

As I said, I’m reaching now for a solution, for a reason, for something beyond “Maybe you’re just stressed out.” I’m aware of the lure of hypochondria, or the pit that can be self-diagnosis. And I’m trying not to go there.

No matter what it is that is making me feel this way, a good do-over is in order for my system. Maybe then I’ll be more clear as to what the causes are.

Real Dads Do Yoga

My father is among the best teachers I’ve ever had, on the mat and off. He taught me to breathe, to cry, to listen and to ask questions.

Every day he continues to teach me about love and support. I try to think of ways to give back to him, and there is no golf club, tennis lesson or pair of yoga shorts in the world that could do the trick.

Thank you for teaching me about a life well lived. Happy Father’s Day, Pop!

* * * * * *

As a side note, you may have guessed that none of these photos are of my Dad. But they are Dads, and they do yoga. So I’ve made some kind of strained connection as an excuse to post more pictures of yoga yum. You’re looking at Sting, Hugh Jackman and Russell Simmons. Happy Father’s Day, guys. Namaste. And enjoy!

Now, Sandwiches

Sometimes sandwich lover and fellow M&Mer just sent me a link to the 101 Best Sandwiches in New York, ten of which are actually vegetarian [via Grub Street] Unfortunately all the veggie options seem to include eggs and/or cheese, so the vegans will have to look elsewhere, or simply use these items as inspiration for their own creations.

UPDATE: Hello, falafel! See number 76

This article also contains a link to the best sammy’s in Boston, Chicago, San Fran and more. It’s official, now I’m starving.

Cutting the Cheese

Since I’ve been home – back, uh, unengaged and living in my parent’s guest room – I’ve picked up some extra weight and acquired unhappy skin (some blemishes, a little extra allergic to bug bites, and once, a huge growing rash that took over my torso. Fun!).

I can chalk it up to stress and to life changes. But these are not strangers. The fact is, I’ve acclimated to the way my parents eat. Which is to say, with a lot of cheese. As a tenured vegetarian, I’ve always relied on cheese and dairy as a protein source. But I’m starting to question the whole concept. I even ordered Alicia Silverstone’s The Kind Diet.

Digression: First of all, she’s so cute I’d probably buy whatever she sold. I’m a sucker like that. But truthfully, she just looks healthy and happy. I want what she’s having. And I’m pretty willing to give whatever-she-does a shot.

This morning, as I woke up with a quiche hangover – stomach aching, sinuses stuffed, throat gross – I thought, maybe my questions were answered. The bloating, the stuffiness, the inflammation. Could it be a dairy thing?

I’m not saying cutting out cheese is going to solve all my problems. And even though I don’t want to work at getting back in shape (I’m over Jillian’s 30 Day Shred. I’m over portion control failure.) I’ll still do it. But it would be nice if all the hard work were accompanied by feeling physically healthy. I wonder if this will do it.

So, I’m embarking on this adventure slowly, with trepidation. What is life without cheese? I love cheese. And eggs. And yogurt. But, at this point, I’m willing to give it a try.

Has anyone out there shunned dairy? A little, all the way? Let me know your thoughts in the comments. I could sure use the support.

Ego, Meet Anatomy

I tell my students that every body is different, and that yoga is not about looking like the pictures in the magazine.

When it comes to my own practice, though, ego rears its ugly head. Why in the name of all that is good and holy can I not externally rotate my shoulders in down dog?! My mind SCREAMS that I must do it the right way, despite the fact that every time I do, my shoulder pinches – sending heat lightning up my arm into my neck.

The other day I had a short clinic with my favorite yoga teacher (hi, Dad!) and we discovered that my elbow joint itself is externally rotated – almost as if I’m double jointed. Meaning that in order for my palms to face each other, my shoulders have to rotate inward. Therefore, in poses where my shoulders are opening, my palms flap out open to the sides. All of a sudden my downdog struggles made so much more sense. Even in bridge pose, my arms never lay comfortable on the floor underneath me. Elbows on the floor, my forearms hover in the air. And now I know why.

(If you are an anatomy geek, here’s an additional point of interest: my legs do the same kind of external rotation – leading to pronation and an odd ability to look like an amphibian or a chalk outline of some broken, splayed out body. One friend suggested I take up swimming. Or posing for chalk outlines.)

So, what does difference does this really make? I already knew that my body didn’t want to form the picture perfect posture; that for me, that arrangement of bones and joints just didn’t work. Just because an outside party confirmed this for me – showed me some kind of anatomical proof – why should that make any difference?

But it did. And while I’m open to the idea that this is some kind of scientific brain block – that you can’t always see what’s going on in your own body as easily as you could see patterns in someone else’s – I have a sneaking suspicion that ego plays a huge part in this revelation.

Someone else, someone I respect, has given me permission to follow my body’s needs. Now, why couldn’t I do that myself? I know that anatomy is individual. If I were my student, I would suggest downdog be done with arms open wider, or fingers facing the corners of the mat. Keep a soft bend in the elbows. Who cares what it looks like, as long as the spirit and the benefit of the pose is attained?

Well, apparently I do*. Anatomy comes up against ego once again. And ego never wins. What is right for the masses, is not always right for the individual body. I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to learn that lesson. So. Many. Times.

*And Iyengar, obvi.