I Miss You – But I Haven’t Met You Yet

My YTT graduation is approaching. And every time I practice teach, I have a vision – more of a feeling, actually – of a future self. Or an alternate universe where I’m a yoga teacher, instead of a copywriter.

That’s the point, I guess. To get used to the whole idea of doing this for real and for true.

At the same time I go through this training, though, I am taking on more responsibility at work. And so I’m left with another fantasy version of myself. A self that has lots of meetings, feels strong and in command, and makes “important” decisions.

It’s easier to imagine my life going down the corporate path than taking the severe left turn into teaching. Which, I guess, is why it’s scarier.

I kind of have a crush on my future selves. The corporate-ladder climbing one, and the yogini, both. Less so the yelling, controlling, pissed off work version. But, still, there is something appealing there, too.

But when I get in that zone – the work zone – I miss my future yoga teacher self. As ALWAYS, I’m working on the balance. But not choosing is starting to feel an awful lot like a decision.

When It Rains

This weekend yoga teacher training was intense. Our first teaching practical brought up a lot of emotions for people. And our focus on the 4th and 5th chakras, our heart and our creative expression, brought even more people to the edge.

It was wonderful to be in a safe place as these issues come up, again and again. But I find myself so drained after these weekends that I just float around, disconnected for the next week or so.

I feel like I’ve been struggling with balance in my life for quite a while. I almost feel that my first, real grown-up decision came to me as I debated whether to follow a mainstream career path or dive into a more healing art full time. And the thought I had then was, “I don’t have to choose.”

And I believed it fully and completely, then. What a relief it was, too. I don’t have to decide! I can have both. I intended, from then on, to do just that. Meaning, do everything.

Right now, I feel as though I have too many masters to serve, and I’m serving none of them well.

I look at what I say are my priorities – love, family, friends, health – and I realize I’m not making choices to support these things.

And I’m exhausted. So it comes around again – this question of choosing.

Is there such a thing as a simple life? I look at my m&m co-hort in Chi, and my romantic version of living from the heart dissapates. It’s clear that it’s incredibly difficult to survive and flourish financially and soulfully at the same time.

A friend gave me some advice recently: Live what you love.

Live what you love and everything else will come. I want desperately to believe this is true. I want not to be afraid, or cynical. I want to live what I love. Not just from 9 to 5, but daily on the mat and off. Now, can someone tell me just how the hell I’m supposed to do that?