Condo Yoga, Relaunch

I am incredibly pleased, proud, excited and nervous to announce the official relaunch of Condo Yoga, my wee company aiming to bring yoga to the people – wherever they are.

This venture is a work of love, and I’m so hopeful for its future and the possibilities it brings. If you’re so inclined, please take a visit. The new site is up and running here, and I’ll be adding news, updates and offers on the Facebook page as well.

Eep!

I got it, I got it, I don’t got it.

[photo by
MasTaPiannisat AshtangaNews]

I’ve been a little stuck. But you probably knew that. It happens. Cyclically. I get inspired, leap, hit my stride, get in a groove, then get in a rut, get bored. Then stuck.

But something happened the other night. I got home from work and whipped out the yoga mat. I did a 45 minute practice where I tried new things and shocked myself with my accomplishments. (Yes, I know yoga is not a contest but, c’mon! It feels good to do things you didn’t know you could do.)

This time it was Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana. Well, sort of extended, but definitely hand-to-big-toe. Not perfect, by any means, but still! I’d never done that before and I was so surprised I actually started laughing mid-pose and fell out of it.

Inspired, I got up the next day and went to my first in-studio class in about six months. My brain was not at all accustomed to being on the mat for so long, but my body welcomed it. I feel the groove coming on. I can hear the beat.

And then yesterday, bam, I missed class. This morning? The dog was whining to go out mid-Namaskar B (I’ve learned not to ignore her). So tonight I’ll go to class – and, cue sad trombone – I have a last-minute call for a project I’m volunteering on.

I feel like I’m ready to leap, ready to hit my stride. Weeeee! I am so close to getting my groove on I can hardly sit still in this office chair all day. I just don’t want to lose the momentum, you know? The wheels are turning. The plane is picking up speed and I’m ready to take off and soooaar. And I want to catch this updraft before I crash and want to do nothing but nap.

Tea Love

It’s quiet in the office, just a few of us in. The snow outside has turned to sunny slush. We’re recovering from Christmas and preparing for New Years.

I’m detoxing, sort of. Caffeine is still in the mix. But no dairy, eggs, anything processed, bleached or white. So I’m a little fuzzy hazy, but in a good way. All that and tea makes for a warm and cozy feeling.

It’s Fear. It’s Fear. It’s Fear.

As I get closer and closer to putting “the plan” into action in real-life, I can feel the excitement and the fear building.

Everything is unfolding as if it is all meant to be – as if this change was predestined and I’m walking down a trail blazed by intention. The work I am doing at my full-time job is coming to an unexpected, but completely natural, end. And I’ve been talking to some co-workers about partnering up to do some freelance work. It really does seem to be coming together.

And, still, the fears come up. Fears about money, mostly. And about “success” as a yoga teacher, and what that might even look like to me. Fears about the choices I’m making, comparing myself to other people, rewriting my story.

The anxiety is manifesting in some usual and some unusual ways. I feel a little disconnected from my choices. Panic bubbles up now and again. And after grabbing drinks with friends last night, I waltzed into an open bar and had a couple drinks alone. At that moment, I just wanted to be drunk. It needed to happen, it happened, I went home. Odd choice, but it seemed appropriate at the time.

My listmaking is in full effect, because I can’t shake the feeling that I’m forgetting something important. Something big, like, health insurance or dog food.

Again it’s time to lean on my practice. And this is what I’m looking forward to the most. Dedicating time to exploring my practice in new ways, at new studios, in new disciplines. To immerse myself, as much as I can, in that world within the world.

It’s the dream of that deliciousness that saves me from going frantic. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that yoga will get me through this change. Practice will help clear my mind, and recognize my priorities. The practice itself will guide me.

Practical?

This past weekend was my final practice teach – and my first real full-hour teach. When we were done, our facilitator Paula (who is awesome, btw. Hi, Paula!) asked me how I felt the teach went. I thought about it, but, in truth, I had no idea.

I had no solid recollection of the previous hour. I remember moments, an assist here, a transition there. But certainly not an hour’s worth of teaching. I was either incredibly present or horribly distracted.

But I’m betting against distracted. I came out of the teach as if I had just had a deep practice of my own. To go into a meditative state during practice is bliss, during teaching is just bliss plus!

As we sat in a large circle at the end of the day and shared our experiences, I felt so supported, so happy and so very excited. I wanted to start my teaching career that very minute!

But is that practical? I wondered. The fact is, I’ve been wondering that for a long, long time. And I’m coming to the conclusion that I may not care.

I’m not saying I’m going to leave my paying job tomorrow to enter a new field with no business plan and no support system. But what I am thinking, and FEELING, is that I can make this happen if I want to. And I do want to.

I’d rather make good vibrations than flash animations. Asana instead of ads? Be on the mat instead of in the chair? Uhm, something like that.

Oh, goodness, good thing I’m not a writer… crap.

I Miss You – But I Haven’t Met You Yet

My YTT graduation is approaching. And every time I practice teach, I have a vision – more of a feeling, actually – of a future self. Or an alternate universe where I’m a yoga teacher, instead of a copywriter.

That’s the point, I guess. To get used to the whole idea of doing this for real and for true.

At the same time I go through this training, though, I am taking on more responsibility at work. And so I’m left with another fantasy version of myself. A self that has lots of meetings, feels strong and in command, and makes “important” decisions.

It’s easier to imagine my life going down the corporate path than taking the severe left turn into teaching. Which, I guess, is why it’s scarier.

I kind of have a crush on my future selves. The corporate-ladder climbing one, and the yogini, both. Less so the yelling, controlling, pissed off work version. But, still, there is something appealing there, too.

But when I get in that zone – the work zone – I miss my future yoga teacher self. As ALWAYS, I’m working on the balance. But not choosing is starting to feel an awful lot like a decision.

When It Rains

This weekend yoga teacher training was intense. Our first teaching practical brought up a lot of emotions for people. And our focus on the 4th and 5th chakras, our heart and our creative expression, brought even more people to the edge.

It was wonderful to be in a safe place as these issues come up, again and again. But I find myself so drained after these weekends that I just float around, disconnected for the next week or so.

I feel like I’ve been struggling with balance in my life for quite a while. I almost feel that my first, real grown-up decision came to me as I debated whether to follow a mainstream career path or dive into a more healing art full time. And the thought I had then was, “I don’t have to choose.”

And I believed it fully and completely, then. What a relief it was, too. I don’t have to decide! I can have both. I intended, from then on, to do just that. Meaning, do everything.

Right now, I feel as though I have too many masters to serve, and I’m serving none of them well.

I look at what I say are my priorities – love, family, friends, health – and I realize I’m not making choices to support these things.

And I’m exhausted. So it comes around again – this question of choosing.

Is there such a thing as a simple life? I look at my m&m co-hort in Chi, and my romantic version of living from the heart dissapates. It’s clear that it’s incredibly difficult to survive and flourish financially and soulfully at the same time.

A friend gave me some advice recently: Live what you love.

Live what you love and everything else will come. I want desperately to believe this is true. I want not to be afraid, or cynical. I want to live what I love. Not just from 9 to 5, but daily on the mat and off. Now, can someone tell me just how the hell I’m supposed to do that?