Fully human

“Being satisfied with what we already have is a magical golden key to being alive in a full, unrestricted, and inspired way.” – Pema Chodron, Awakening Loving Kindness

I sit here battered and beaten. Muscles sore, hot, dehydrated. It feels as though someone has beaten me well with a rolled up yoga mat, dipped me in salt water, and left me to dry on the sidewalk.

There may be a small voice in my left knee. There’s a slightly louder one in my low back. And my mind, my mind is one that’s taking the brunt of it.

The past few months has seen a serious recommitment to physical movement. There came a point where I didn’t recognize my body anymore. Didn’t know what it could do, or what it wanted to do. We hadn’t been speaking really.

We went from feeling like strangers to having four or fives dates a week. Things got hot and heavy fast. Barre every week, to barre teacher training. One beginner ballet class, to a crash course twice a week.

I can’t tell if I’m renewing my commitment to health or if this is my mind’s way of punishing me for aging, or neglecting to take nude photos when my body was perfect. And publishing them on the Internet so I could stare at them and wonder who the hell that was.

Rebellion is present. Rebellion against stagnation, restriction, incapacity. And then rebellion again against movement and work. It comes in the form of self doubt, the sinking comfort of the couch, and glasses of red wine. I’m striving for something and then fighting against it.

I read this early this morning, on Satisfaction from Pema Chodron: “It’s very helpful to realize that being here, doing simple everyday things… Is actually all we need to be fully awake, fully alive, fully human. It’s also helpful to realize that this body that we have … And this mind that we have at this very moment, are exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.”

So all this work may not get me to some end. My body is my body. It’s getting stronger but it’s not going backwards through time. My mind is my mind. It whirls and sometimes it stops. My heart is full and it breaks. Fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.

The Power of New

Pulling out the sweaters for fall. Picking up a new shade of lipstick. It’s amazing what a little change can do. The thrill a little bit of new can bring to your day. Whenever I get my haircut, I feel like a star (silly, right?). I’ll look around in meetings and wonder how we could all be talking about anything else other than this blunt cut.

A haircut or a new pair of shoes doesn’t change who we are. We’re the same person, and every task we’re faced with on a daily basis is the same. But the fresh scent when you change your shampoo, or put a new bedspread on the bed, it just feels different. Game changing in tiny ways.

This weekend I started practicing forearm stand. I’ve been doing yoga for fifteen years and this one has always seemed beyond my scope. I should know better. I tried it Sunday, and flailed around. But I find myself waking up thinking about it. I dream about it and I can feel my body strong and light.

I’m still practicing against the wall for now. And I haven’t felt it all come together quite yet. But I’m walking around thinking about it. Imagining sneaking into a conference room and shutting the door. How can any one get anything else done when there’s forearm stand to practice?

This beautiful pincha mayurasana is from Jessie Barry.

Using Yoga

Everything is changing. But everything is always changing. In several different places in my life, there is movement and change. I know my instinct in the past would be to get quiet and hibernate. But this time I feel the need to move with it.

As the focus of my days shifts to my career, it started to shift away from my practice. But it’s getting to be pretty clear that I can’t replace yoga with work. They just occupy two completely different facets of life. I still need yoga. Maybe even more now.

My almost two-decades-long practice (oh, no. not really) is still serving me. It’s reminding me to breathe, it’s nudging me to get back on the mat. It’s telling me that even though “yoga” might not be my focus, that this is the time to truly integrate yoga into my life. This is where all the lessons come into play.

I need to USE yoga to stay sane, to keep moving, and to breathe.

Perfectly Imperfect

This morning I lay in bed musing about the day, knowing that the longer I stayed under the covers, the less likely I was to roll out the mat. So I got up and looked at my yoga space – filled with mail that needed to be opened, a dog leash begging to be used, and a suitcase that lay stuffed and ready for unpacking.

It was tempting. First I’ll clean off the counter, put away all this stuff so I can set my drishti on a clear, uncluttered space. I could just take care of the mail rather than let it sit. If I’m moving the suitcase, I may as well unpack and throw a load of laundry in before I start. Then the dog is up and looking my way, ready for a walk.

That’s how it goes some mornings. The mat stays rolled up in the corner while a bunch of other things on the list get done. I want to make things as close to ideal as I can in order to practice. I want to clear the space, so I can clear my mind. I want a home studio that looks like the ones in the magazine. But at what cost? It’s not helping me to skip my practice until it can look perfect.

This morning I set up my mat amidst the chaos. The room was a mess. My body ached and my waistline spoke of too much Christmas pie. My nose was stuffed up and I couldn’t pranayam my way out of a paper bag, but I did it. I got down in chaturanga with elbows as close to 90-degrees as I can get them. My trikonasana was crooked, but existent. And it was good.

Favorite Posts of 2013…

As January approaches (how did that happen?), I wanted to gather up some of your favorite posts from this year.

Kripalu: What I Pack This was THE most popular post of the year, for sure. And timely, as I’m heading back up to the snowy Berkshires right after the holiday. Update on this post: I’ve upgraded my water bottle and now use and love my this one from bk – a lovely part of my Blogshop goodie bag.

Yoga in Bed: 8 Poses to Wake Up To I know. Sometimes it’s just too cold or too comfy to leave the sanctuary of our beds.

This & That: Moon Salutations I’m sensing a real Yin vibe from you guys this year. I think this is another perfect posture series to do around the holidays.

Have a wonderful year-end celebration everyone. And thank you for coming with me on the adventure.

Shining in Ardha Chandrasana

I have been drawn to Ardha Chandrasana lately. For some reason, I can feel the dynamic tension between grounding and expanding so profoundly in this posture. The foot stable, roots deep through the mat, through the floor, into the earth below me. And my heart searching, yearning, turning upwards. It’s felt pretty amazing.

Am I drawn to it to relieve anxiety, to work my ankles, stretch my groin? Or is it that something inside me knows that ‘chandra’ can mean glittering, shining, brilliant light, and I’m approaching the idea of shining with everything I do?

Or maybe it’s just because I found a cool new way to come into the pose. I learned a long time ago to just do what my body wants when it comes to my time on the mat. I don’t ask too many questions.

Here’s my new entry into Ardha Chandrasana: (Here’s a more traditional entry.)

1. Start in down dog
2. Identify the point on your mat half way between your hands and your feet
3. Step the right food forward to that point
4. Adjust your right hand to be forward and to the right of your standing foot (like a kickstand or second leg)
5. Slowly, using your core, lift the back leg AS YOU rotate the body towards the side wall
6. Keep the left hand at your waist, or extend it upward to the sky, following it with your gaze

This is a pretty subtle variation to coming from triangle pose, but for me, I feel a big shift. It’s much easier for me to shift my gaze from my standing foot, to the sidewall, to my upward-reaching hand and shine.

Image from Fine Featherheads.

Restoration Barn-ware

I am ready to restore.

I’m heading up to New Hampshire, where I hear it’s really and truly autumn, to Dragonfly Yoga Barn. I haven’t been there before but I have to tell you, this place looks amazing. It’s a Yoga Barn, you guys. Yoga. Barn.

Twice a year I assist my teacher in a program called Refilling Your Well. It’s a nurturing retreat that helps teach the science of stress and stress-reduction. Learning what truly nurtures them, students are encouraged to ‘put the oxygen mask’ on themselves first, so that they are healthy and strong when they take care of others.

It’s wisdom I know in my head, and more and more, feel in my body. Which is why I’m so excited to assist yet another restorative retreat coming up this weekend. I’m helping out a long-time friend of mine from back in the Kripalu days as she leads a Gentle Yoga and Yoga Nidra program. I know there will be lots of setup (bolsters, blankets, backjacks) but I also think there will be time for hot tubs, and hikes, and being still. Remember being still? Ever? I barely do. And I’m so looking forward to it.

It’s a Yang, Yang, Yang, Yang World

This morning I felt plagued with challenges. I have to caveat this and say I feel guilty about saying that. Everything is fine. Life is good. Better than good. But it was just one of those days, before 8 am.

So I rolled out the mat and got to moving and breathing. There was no cardio today. No sweating or grunting. It was a lunar flow kind of morning.

I’ve written about Chandra Namaskar before. There’s just something about this practice that helps me slow down and reconnect. I’m not saying I tune in and get all the answers. Because I certainly don’t. But even half way through my practice I started to feel more calm, more grateful. I felt less like a whirling dervish, panting and grasping for answers. And I felt a little bit more like myself.

There are many variations of Chandra Namaskar, but here is one from Yoga Journal that might be helpful.

Image from Ethical Ideal in a post about yoga for back pain. Bonus!

Insta-yogis

Did you read this article in Well and Good about the surge of Instagram Yogis?

I often have to remind my students, and myself, that our goal in class isn’t to look like the cover of Yoga Journal. That everyone’s body is different, and each posture is beautiful no matter if it looks “perfect” or not.

When choosing images for this blog what I’m first drawn to is my completely visceral aesthetic response. I want this site to be pretty to look at. So that means high resolution images with interesting composition and color play. Does that mean that I’m often choosing professional photographs with models instead of your average joe-gi? A lot of the time, yes. What can I say, I like to look at pretty things.

Am I part of the problem of perpetuating an unattainable ideal? Ugh, I hope not. I will continue to make an effort to show beautiful postures that are individual and perfect just as they are.

And so I love the idea of seeing more “real” people’s postures, photographed beautifully. It seems like a great opportunity for a more democratic point of view.

Image from Trek Along. You can share with them on Instagram using the hashtag #NaturesGym.

Like a Gazelle

When I used to play youth center soccer, my mother told me I had two different ways of running: like a gazelle and like a mack truck, which seems to have been an early indication of my dislike for cardio activities.*

I just don’t like to move quickly. I like slow, I like graceful. Anything I try to do quickly, I tend to do clumsily. Yoga? It’s a physical challenge, but I could manage to move through with some amount of fluidity.

But where does that leave me when it comes to cardio activity? Not much of anywhere. Over the years I’ve tried step aerobics, kickboxing, running, Zumba… and on.

This week I went to SLT Yoga – what my friend calls Hip Hop Yoga. Normally, I don’t look to my yoga practice for my dose of Rihanna, but I figured I’d give it a try. And to be honest, I liked it.

There was way more “yoga” than I expected. And by that I mean, not just asana – but breath work, non-judgment, staying present. The music helped me stay in the moment. It was definitely different, but I admit the volume level absolutely helped my mind stay in the room.

I don’t think Vinyasa to a blaring playlist of The Fugees is going to replace my regular practice, but I’ll definitely go again. Like a gazelle.

*Update: My mother denies having ever said this.

This image is from Yoga With Kristin B. She’s got a bunch of playlists you can check out online.

Wild Asana: Marilyn Monroe

I love this photo of Marilyn Monroe. I don’t know the story behind the shoot. (Was she doing yoga?) But I do love her smile.

This navasana is paired with the upward facing petals of another tulip in bloom this week at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. This time we’re looking at the Tulip Viridiflora. Seriously? I had no idea there were so many different kinds of tulips out there.

Maybe my favorite part of this pairing is the perfectly imperfect posture. As a teacher, I’d remind this student to keep her back straight, and applaud the shins parallel to the floor. The smile goes a long way in making this posture perfect, don’t you think?

The tulips picture comes from David Hunter Garden Centers.

Pride and Prejudice in Asana

I can do chaturanga in my sleep. And I do. And by that I mean, I’m sleeping through my vinyasa half the time. I don’t know how long it lasts, but all of a sudden I’ll “wake up” and notice my shoulders way below my hips in chaturanga, or my feet aren’t aligned in, well, anything.

Today though I nailed chaturanga. I couldn’t see it; I don’t have a mirror. But I was wide awake, mindful and easy. Aligned. I could feel it. And there was the smile and the extra depth of breath for the rest of my practice. A little prejudice against laziness can’t hurt.

This image doesn’t have much to do with chaturanga, but was a great excuse to post a hunky picture of Mr. Darcy.