The other day I was talking to a friend of mine who was in the doldrums. Happens to the best of us. And I was asking a lot of questions, trying to see if I could get him to vocalize what his blah-ness was about. From the outside, there were some good things going on, and also some disappointing things. Anyway, I think they were canceling each other out to just create ennui, because none of the good stuff seemed to be registering.
So I said: “Well, what would you be excited about?” When I heard myself ask it, it was like the Edison bulb appeared over my head. It was hard to believe I hadn’t thought to ask myself this same question.
In the past six months or so since I’ve been home, I’ve been working hard to get back on my feet. All the good things come as a relief, but there’s always more to be done on the horizon. More things to be taken care of, more things to cross off the list. And I make these lists until they exhaust me, and then I stop, wasted, and slump down into a rut.
What would make me really excited? I didn’t even know how to answer. A bunch of things came to mind, but none of them really felt right. I have so many things on my list, but I’m not excited about any of them. No wonder crossing them off is unsatisfying – they aren’t things I really care about anyway.
So, it’s time to make a new list. An exciting list. No things I think I should do, or should want to do, or feel like I have to do. I have those lists already. This one has a completely different purpose.