It’s official. I’m scared of yoga.

I’m not sure what happened. I felt so strongly called to this path and this profession. L. thinks it’s a fear-of-success kind of thing, which makes sense. But this is seriously frustrating. I’ve spent the last few days writing down studio’s schedules, contacts, reading books and blogs – anything but get on the mat or go to an actual class.

Instead of feeling a sense of community and joy, I am so discouraged. I know that part of awareness is knowing you are not separate. But feeling like a city-dwelling, dime-a-dozen yoga-wannabe is not exactly the oneness-with-the-universe I was hoping for.

When I walk my dog in the rain, she stops to do the wet-doggy shake off. But she won’t ever get dry because we’re still in the rain. And part of me feels that way now. I can get back on the mat, but to what effect? I’m still in the mess of a city with all this noise. I’m still getting wet.

I feel a strong desire for something extreme – as if the day-to-day is not “real” enough for me. The fact is, it’s too real. It’s not black and white. I am not living in an ashram where what I am “supposed” to do is perhaps a more simple choice.

Has anywhere out there experienced this? Is this just avoidance?

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2 thoughts on “It’s official. I’m scared of yoga.

  1. Maybe not quite as simple as that. I experienced some of the same, when I realized that, however much I felt called to do massage, I still felt no calling whatever to market myself as a massage therapist or to network or do all the other things necessary to get the work. Those are still exactly the same kinds of things — i.e. stuff I don't want to do — even if they're done in order to do massage. They feel the same & affect me the same as doing that sort of thing for anything else. Which is (unreasonably, but there it is) very discouraging.

    The solution is to get on the mat, I think. My spirits always went way back up if I did massage, any kind of massage, for money or not. The longer I went without the suckier things got.

  2. Thanks, Dale. I think you might be right. I've talked to some of my fellow graduates who are feeling the same marketing resistance.

    I think I didn't expect to feel that since my current full-time gig is marketing for other people. I just assumed it would come naturally.

    But time passes whether I do what I "want" to do or not, so I may as well do it – fear be damned.

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