I’m not sure what happened. I felt so strongly called to this path and this profession. L. thinks it’s a fear-of-success kind of thing, which makes sense. But this is seriously frustrating. I’ve spent the last few days writing down studio’s schedules, contacts, reading books and blogs – anything but get on the mat or go to an actual class.
Instead of feeling a sense of community and joy, I am so discouraged. I know that part of awareness is knowing you are not separate. But feeling like a city-dwelling, dime-a-dozen yoga-wannabe is not exactly the oneness-with-the-universe I was hoping for.
When I walk my dog in the rain, she stops to do the wet-doggy shake off. But she won’t ever get dry because we’re still in the rain. And part of me feels that way now. I can get back on the mat, but to what effect? I’m still in the mess of a city with all this noise. I’m still getting wet.
I feel a strong desire for something extreme – as if the day-to-day is not “real” enough for me. The fact is, it’s too real. It’s not black and white. I am not living in an ashram where what I am “supposed” to do is perhaps a more simple choice.
Has anywhere out there experienced this? Is this just avoidance?