Flat on My Mat

To be perfectly honest, last month’s yoga weekend knocked me for a loop. Something happened during our meditation practice and I felt a huge opening, and then a cave in. It was a really bittersweet, brokenness and compassion that I haven’t figured out yet.

Instead of going deeper into that moment, into that emotion, I’ve been avoiding it. Since then, I’ve been feeling soft, quiet and unsure.

During this morning’s practice I had the intention of opening my heart, towards our country and our new President and his family in particular. But when I attempted to turn that compassion and confidence inward, or just bring it closer to home, I froze. My mind went somewhere else completely, and I abandoned the mat for chores and to-do lists.

Even as I write this, I feel guilty – as if I’ve failed myself or my commitment to the practice. Part of me knows this is all part of the practice, even the aversion. It’s a much less comfortable place to be than that vibrational bliss that sometimes comes with practice. But that’s part of it too, I suppose.

I think all I can expect from myself is to keep on coming back to the practice – even if I only stay on the mat for 20 minutes at a time. Right? At least, that’s what I would tell someone else if they were going through something similar. I’d say: They call it a practice for a reason.

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One thought on “Flat on My Mat

  1. Oh, absolutely. That’s the most common pattern, for me, after breaking through, there’s the panic and retreat and then needing to hole up and hide out for a little while. It feels like failure but it’s just the inevitable regrouping, I think. It is much better if you can keep practicing through it. (But I know, I know how hard it is to do that!)xoxo

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