I’m mourning the fact that I’ve decided to put off the Yoga Teacher Training, again. And so if I’m deciding it, why shouldn’t I bee 100% at peace with it?
I’ve always had this way of going about decisions, to behave as if it’s already decided and move forward, just see what happened. At some point along that process, the decision would make itself clear. It would simply become apparent what I must do.
But, this time, even though the decision has made itself clear – I simply do not have the time or emotional energy to dedicate to a solid, fruitful practice right now – I’m still not totally comfortable.
I’m spending a lot of time and energy on my home and relationship right now, but also I’m much more focused on my “career” than I ever have been. EEEeew. I just hate even saying that. I can’t even say it without using irony quotes. But, there it is.
And I can’t pursue what needs to be done in that arena AND focus on really difficult body + soul work. I just can’t do both. I never thought I would say that. I actually can’t do both and stay healthy and balanced.
I think the reason I’m uncomfortable with the decision is that I’m clearly not down with being into my career. Why is that? Is it because I don’t think my career is worth my time and energy? Or because I don’t think I deserve to have a successful career? Or is it just that I resent not being able to do it all?
I am afraid of who I become if I don’t put the yoga on top. Not really afraid of my personality, but just uncomfortable not being the granola one. I’m pretty sure it’s more of an ego thing, a perception thing, than something more internal.
My fellow M&M and I used to reflect on this: Am I a yogi if I’m not doing yoga? What does yoga look like, if it’s not on the mat? Can I really be an advertising yogini?