Blue

Sometimes I am blue. Despite the joys of the world, my beautiful home, loving friends and family. Despite even the dog, I am blue.

I am acknowledging it here, right now, as that’s the best I can do. I can try not to wallow. I can try not to take it out on my work or my partner. But I am blue, and there it is.

During last night’s class our teacher read to us. The phrase that has stuck in my heart is “practice to remember.” Practice to remember – and I do. All the times I leaned on my practice while I was in pain or just searching. All the times my mind wandered to the list of complaints instead of breathing into the pose.

Intellectually I remember the joy. I don’t feel it quite yet, but it’s good to know it’s out there. The hum and buzz of energy after a class. The smiling that comes from somewhere on the inside and sneaks up on you during a difficult sequence. The silence.

Last summer I was confused and full of thoughts and plans and other plans. Not knowing what to do, I simply practiced every day. To remember who I was. To tune in to what I needed. It worked then. And the world presented itself to me on a platter.

But just now, I can’t seem to see it. It’s clouded over by doubt and insecurity. And so I will – practice to remember, every day.

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