i have to teach at 10am. here are the parallels of my life becoming the perpendiculars. went to 3 grocery stores. yes three. looking for the cereal on sale, the prize avocado and the cruelty-free detergent. and home to make a ‘fun’ veg taco dinner for one and glasses of wine times two. watching dvr recordings of self help programs and frontline (like homework, i dread to review it but feel infused afterward).
and now my friend, who had briefly met the friend of the guy i dated for a week, rings me to say “he called! he called! he called!”, and now accessory to the crime, i am sorting accessories on my bed to go with the jeans/bar/i don’t want you anymore because you are dating someone else outfit. so at approximately 11pm i am heading out to unknown destination to be the wing-woman to a friend who has a boyfriend who wants to sleep with this silly boy who shares a name with a cigarette and an 80’s sitcom. and i am driving. so as not to be drinking. so as to be the ‘present’ pleasant attentive yoga teacher i have been all week. can i do it after a night out? will i stick to my 1am curfew, to get 7 hours of sleep, to wake up 2 hours before the class and eat. can you sleep walk through teaching a yoga class? would you want to? can i sip ginger-ales tonight as i did in the two straightedge years i spent during a quarter life crisis?
but i want it all. i want to dance (adam goldberg, backseat, dazed and confused). i want to drink. i want to toss the long hair i don’t have. sleep next to the boy and awake with glow, and sweep out of the apartment and fly to the town far away. i want to show up tomorrow morning and put enormous smiles on the faces of the students as i have all week. i want to press a palm to their forehead and bless them into a restful sleep at the end of a practice that they deserve, awash them with love they may not have for themselves, i want to lay it over them like mexican blankets. i want it all. but i can’t. so you pick and chose. you do, don’t you? but why does it seem there are perpetually this or that’s? there is a ballgame and an open bar the night before the 4 day silent meditation retreat. there is a 4:30pm sunday sangha when you were raised watching football saturday through monday (even if it is going to espn) and beers start at noon.
i turn to bikram when i need to exorcise the party life. i’m that girl. i only lived in LA for 5 months but yes, i too will turn to bikram to detox and sweat off alcohol. i’ve heard it balked, both the yoga style and the party style. but it’s what i do. i also take steam baths on sundays imagining that sin is seeping out of pores. i separate the days from the nights, the postures from the potions. every morning i’ve got a new chance.